Wallflowers

Last night I had the divine pleasure of watching The Perks of Being a Wallflower with Natalie and her roommates and some of their friends. The movie was fantastic. The acting is powerful in its simplicity. Logan Lerman, Emma Watson, and Ezra Miller play believable high school students; they are not overacting but they keep their characters alive and interesting. Logan Lerman especially impressed me with his depiction of mental crisis that comes from depression and the attempt to express emotions as you're digging them up.

It was just how I used to talk.

*Spoilers Alert*
I loved this movie. Partly because of the acting. Mostly because it was my high school experience (except I never punched anyone in the face or had a best friend kill him/herself). Dating older girls, experimenting with my sexuality, performing in seemingly off-color shows, parties, walking in on friends and secrets, accidentally falling in love with my best friend, trying to feel alive, sometimes feeling infinite, late meals at diners, going to dances and wishing I was anywhere else, getting high and losing a couple days from my life, and everything else that I will not go into too much detail on. It is a happy story that just happens to have some very sad bumps, just like life. My yearning question is why Charlie had to end up in a mental hospital after he tried to kill himself and why I did not. It does not stand to reason that I just got lucky.

Ultimately, I decided that it was inspired friends. That next day was rough, but people still walked down the halls with me before school. Robyn heard from Natalie and freaked out. She convinced me to talk to my parents. Now, out of everyone that knew, their response was the worst possible. My parents got angry. I understand that it was from fear, so I did not respond too poorly, but it really bothered me that they stopped listening to my problems and just threw out general solutions. It felt like they gave up, like they did not trust themselves enough to help me. But I still loved them and wanted their help, not some psychologist's. And that week, Merritt asked me what was up. He walked home with me as I told him everything going on. I am sure he was quiet because he had no idea what to do. But that was enough for me. If he could just listen and not treat me differently then everything would be alright. And ultimately it has been. Almost eight years ago I tried to take my life and did not want to wake up. Now I enjoy waking up (even if getting out of bed is a bother) and look forward to my day. Life is good and God really does love us.

There are parts of me that I am so glad are dead.

Cynical Old Man

So, I've been realizing another part I lost in the last few years.

I usually describe my life before living in Sacramento as unhealthy. There are many reasons. The internal illness peaked at the end of my freshman year of high school. I do not know why exactly. I do not understand everything that I let in or how it festered there so long. My life restarted when I moved from Nebraska to Arizona. My life restarted again when I went to high school. Neither time really cleansed me. I do not know why. I clung to too much I suppose. I tried to be comforted by things in the past, not realizing that they were some of the problems. To be honest, I didn't know I was so unhealthy going into high school. I thought I was just a bit dissatisfied, a bit unhappy, with the way my life was.

After the peak I meandered around healing. School years wore me down and summers built me up. I wonder if it was the people at school that tore at me. Maybe it was the grind of teachers. Maybe it was boredom or too much time to think. Was it summer trips that helped? Adventures around town? A different crew to be around? Or just the closest friends I could have? Up and down I went but mostly up. I was getting better and realizing more and more who I am as well as who I want to be.

College came and I should have changed. I didn't. I stayed the same guy with the same troubles: pride, secrecy, superiority, and little self-control. I will never say experimenting is bad, but I certainly went in troublesome directions with it. It is good to explore, but jumping off a cliff just to see the bottom is a poor plan. Make sure you can still get out by climbing down first. So while I thrived in college and found many of the things that truly matter to me, I found myself lost in pursuit of the wrong rabbit. It felt great to run though.

Then I left for a couple years. I had another chance to cleanse myself and start over. And this time I was given a clear shape to pursue. I readily admit that many religious people scare me. I do not like the idea of concrete ethics, because I prefer looking at individual people. No singular solution works for every individual's problem. But my time in Sacramento put me around people with strong identities. Despite having the religious fire that often put me out, these women and men were still deep and beautiful. They had direction and belief and enjoyed growing secularly and spiritually. I loved it. Finally I found a place I could rearrange myself. I could keep the good and replace the bad with something better. The environment was not perfect, but it was clean enough that I could at least have a clean restart. So I took advantage of it.

I still identify with hippies. It isn't because I am one. It isn't because I try to act like a hippie. I enjoy things that I traditionally associate with hippies: long and billowy clothes, adventuring, loving people because they exist, being healthy, yoga, granola, natural places, and getting high on life. I still love theater and everything about it. The smell of coffee and smoke are delightful to me. Life is good. These are good things, but they weren't complete for me. I already had science and doubt mingled amongst belief and piety so I added religion to my spirituality; now I have a path for my learning and loving. To be honest, I don't feel blind walking up a staircase in the dark if I keep ahold of a handrail, because I still know where I'm going.

Cynicism was easy. I doubted everything. To an unhealthy extent I'm sure. I didn't trust religion, science, math, literature, teachers, or even friends and family. It made sense to doubt religion because I could prove so little of it. Science and math seemed arbitrary and too rigid though I admit this mostly comes from my lack of knowledge. I suppose the same is true of my religious doubts too. Literature was infuriating. It seemed like the worst combination or opinion and fact. One must worry about being gramatically perfect, stylistically talented, and uniquely interpretive to impress or render honor from colleagues or teachers. Relationships were terrifying. I doubted how they felt about me. I was unsure about what benefit I could have to people. I saw no point in my sticking around.

Now I call myself healthy. I do have a benefit and purpose in life. I sense no darkness in my heart or my eye. I'm happy every day. It's easier to love and be loved. Studying is fun because I can learn something and belive it but still accept that it might not be true. I can change and it is alright to be wrong. Little things are so delightful and big things are uplifting. From cynic to idealist, I find myself hoping everything is alright and willing to help change problems that still exist, even if the problem is me.

The Twelve Friends of Christmas Twelve

Now that I am over twenty-seven hours late for this I would like to explain to you all why my parents are one of the greatest gifts of the season.

They are still together.  Despite hurt feelings and troubles and worries and finances and stress and raising five boys they are still together.  Sometimes I do not know what helps them, but I am thankful for it.  Once it was a son in the hospital.  Another time grapefruits helped them.  Miracles drop out of air and help them.  And when miracles were in short supply then counseling helped.  They both had to learn to listen and change, but when they would they really made something wonderful.

My parents are strong people.  It is probably why I'm so attracted to assertive people who are willing to fight for something they believe in.  Even if they are wrong, what matters to me is a cause, a reason, and a love.  That is the strength of the real fighter.  My mother loves the symbol of the wolf because the alpha-female takes a controlling and dominating role.  It isn't about being the strongest or the best, but she always taught us to work together.  She showed us that is the strength of a clan.

I think my mother really defined my character.  I try to live up to her standards of what a man should be.  I try to treat women as the equal they are but to always treat them a little differently.  A little special.  And not because they're women.  But because they are individual people.  She taught me to treat all people as individuals worthy of praise, respect, and personal love.  She showed me how to be charitable.  And not just with money.  Your time and attention are just as valuable.  You not only have more but you appreciate it more when you share what you have.  My mother is the one who helped me understand how important it is to see smiling Jesus.  Because that is what we should see of ourselves.  The simple and pure smile that comes from helping others and from loving them, not despite differences but because of differences.


And a lot of my joys come from both parents.  My dad showed me the depth of nature.  Hiking and running and camping can be fun.  Not for kids.  But as an adult it is really nice to live and be outside with only necessities.  And maybe a book or two.  And friends help too.  Oh, and I do love frisbees.  But anyway, nature is great.  And it really can bring you closer to the creator and other creations.  Which is fantastic.  Helps you understand the eternal nature of the spirit.  I think that is a big thing dad taught me.  How to apply the gospel to every day things.  How to look for miracles and tender mercies.  How to be thankful for being dependent, because I can't solve everything, I can't even really fix myself, but when I'm ready the way will be available.



Mom taught me a lot about loving art.  The music I enjoy mostly comes from her.  It was amazing how you could tell her mood by the music in the house.  But music and acting and dance and paintings and even buildings and textures.  I feel like all of it stemmed from my mother's love for trying out new things.  I learned it's okay to not know what you're getting yourself into.  It's fun even.  Just go with the flow, make friends along the way, and be nice (be really nice) because strangers can really help out.

I really love my parents.  I'm thankful for their patience and kindness.  They really gave me a lot.  And didn't kill me.  Which was really helpful.  I'm thankful that they've been willing to change when they're wrong.  And that they take the time to get to know each of us well enough to know (pretty well) how to parent us.  They took the time to get to know my serious girlfriends and especially my best friends.  They trusted me with them.  They trusted me enough to make mistakes (or maybe they were just too frustrated with me trying every hole and open door I found).  It has improved over time.  But I really appreciate having some great parents.

The Twelve Friends of Christmas Eleven

So, one of the great blessings from this last few months has been the Moores.  When I was figuring out that I was going to BYU this year I needed a place to stay and classes to take.  But the whole ordeal was stressing me out.  So I decided to not worry about it and deal with it when I got home.  Ya know, during the three weeks I'd have before the semester started.  Not the best idea, but I figured it'd work.  The night I got home from Sacramento I got a call from Travis.  He asked if I wanted to live with him and his brothers.  An awesome answer to prayers.

When I arrived at Chez Moore I was already feeling great.  The drive up with Landon was a lot of fun.  First time driving a truck like that.  We got to unload the truck, pick up a couch, switch out couches, help their cousin move (that was a few days later).  Adventures from the start.

They each have such idiosyncrasies.  Landon is the butt of everyone's jokes.  But fortunately the girls love him.  Mostly for his awkwardness that shows a inner kindness and deep patience.  And he destroys everything.  But only on accident.  Like our walls.  And the planter.  But he really is a decent guy.  Not always the best at communicating.  He thinks tea is disgusting.  And sometimes he offends people with his honesty.  But he really does try.  And he wants to help and will even if it means sacrificing for a friend.  And it is really just that he is open.  We love him because he puts up with us.

Jeremy is the studmuffin of the apartment.  Who doesn't love a man in uniform?  And now he's gonna take MMA classes.  Ridiculously strong for his size.  Do not tickle him unless you're prepared to defend yourself.  Seriously, he kinda hulks out when he is tickled.  Which just makes it more fun.  He is very musical.  And I love french horns.  And violins.  Some of my favorite instruments.  I remember pulling a handcart for hours one day at a celebration in Granite Creek Park years ago.  Just fun.  And we had some good double dates.  I kinda forced him sometimes, but it was always fun.  BYU has some great shows.


Travis Moore.  Oh dear.  The stories and history go way back.  He is Eric's best unrelated friend.  They've been conniving for almost a decade now.  Hearing their stories is inspiring for mischief.  Kinda like when Harry Potter finds out his dad was a juvenile delinquent.  He taught me seminary.  We planned ridiculous events.  Godfather.  Finals pillow fight.  Fugitive.  Trojan popcorn attack.  Life is just good.  The adventures are many.  The fun is great.  And the possibilities seem to only be limited by time.


I really love these guys.  They help me be active, have fun, not be too serious, and keep working hard.  I wouldn't trade my roommates for cheaper rent or a closer location.  Though, I suppose eventually I will trade them for a girl when I get married.

The Twelve Friends of Christmas Ten

I was kinda scared of coming to BYU.  I didn't know why I needed to go here.  I'm still figuring it out.  But it all works out.  And there is a lot in Provo that keeps me happy and impressed.

You know how sometimes you meet someone and then later find out you know them in a whole bunch of ways you didn't realize.  That's Tamarra.  She served on Temple Square with Jessica Wingate.  Her roommate, Rachel, went to Prescott with the Moores a while back.  She went to Jerusalem with JJ.  She is an editor for the newspaper for which Jeremy started writing.  And she started Sunday's Best.

When I go to her home I find myself at peace.  I can be open about anything.  Tamarra created a haven against judgment, stagnation, and evil.  That is what impresses me so much.  Tamarra is liberal in her love and views, but she makes no attempt to jump off the deep end.  She has no desire to offend people into doing something.  She just loves them.  She accepts them until they accept themselves enough to change.  And if that won't work she helps them come closer to Christ so that they'll have an even better example.  Tamarra is a heroine of change.  I really appreciate how I feel when I talk to her or when I'm at her home.

Some of the things I've learned because of Tamarra are as follow.  This church might be the only religion for feminists (feel free to discuss that because I wouldn't have believed it a month ago).  When we start worshiping a religion instead of God we lose sight of the goal.  The only changes that last are based on love.   It is okay to be angry at God, men, and the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints as long as you keep moving somewhere.  Movement provides opportunities.  Sometimes we can help a group more by not being a part of it, but most of the time we've got to be close to the herd and in front if we want to steer it in a new and better direction.  It is hard to see a better path within the herd but it is possible.  It takes all kinds of leaders to keep a people together.  Some will be at the top and in the front.  Some have to be students in the classes or workers in the field earning trust and answering questions.  It's okay to be wrong about important things, as long as you can admit it to yourself and help the truth.  This Gospel is true, regardless of gender, race, religion, sexuality, politics, economic situation, fame, fortune, fear, faith, mental disorder, or self-identity.  My goal is to make it accessible and acceptable to all those people.


I am thankful for all the opportunities Tamarra has given me.  They really have changed who I am.  They have given me an outlet for my worries.  She has created a place where I can be myself, with all my quirks and quotes.  Life is good, Zion grows, and God loves us.

The Twelve Days of Christmas Nine

I happen to think that I had a great mission.  I love Sacramento.  I love California.  Seriously, they have the best fruit.  It's so beautiful.  I always enjoyed the weather.  Except, maybe, the cold rain.  I'm used to warm monsoon storms.  But, honestly, even the cold rain taught me something and helped me to appreciate life in a new way.

With all the people I love and the wonders of California, what really made my mission so wonderful was my companions.  I spent twenty-four hours a day with these guys.  Every day we'd go out and talk and teach and learn and it was great.  I did not always get along with them, but I love all of them and I learned a lot from each.

Elder Isaac Ostlund.  He was the most charitable missionary I met.  He really was just loving and kind and patient.  His attitude always lifted mine.  And he never gave me a reason to get down, even if I gave him many.  I spent the rest of my mission trying to emulate his kindness and joy.  He is a lot like JJ.

Elder Daniel Wyatt and I shared some of my favorite memories.  We served in Stockton together.  We were both young in our missions.  We made a lot of mistakes.  But it was awesome.  We wanted to learn and we were willing to try.  So yeah, we messed up sometimes, but we were teachable and came out on top because of it.  I'll never forget when Stockton flooded for two days.  We kept riding.

Elder Ryan Manwill, how I loved him.  He taught me a lot about the importance of loving what you do.  He loves mechanics.  He is so good at taking things apart and putting them back together.  One night his gear cable snapped.  By using a rock he was able to keep his bike in gear for the rest of the night.

Elder Mecklen Van Evera really brought a spark back into my mission.  We had so much fun in the hills of Camino.  It's okay to have fun and be happy even when doing serious work.  He made it okay to talk about music and cars and weapons and stuff, because it was what he loved and wanted to share.  He also loves the gospel and wanted to share that.  He showed me how to have balance.

Elder Sterling (precious metal) Duncan taught me so much.  Sometimes by being the best example and sometimes as a warning ;)  Our car got stuck so many times.  He stayed patient and helped me put on chains.  He puts out quite a strong personality, but he is so willing to follow direction obediently and help.  He showed me that it is okay to be scared and worried about something, because it means you get to see how creative the Lord is when He helps out.  He is really quite teachable and I was so thankful that he put up with me through a long winter.

Elder Thomas Stevenson is the Samoan wonder.  He kept me going through a hot summer.  His faith and endurance was amazing.  I loved hearing his stories from and loyalty to Samoa.  I don't know many missionaries who made the same sacrifices he had to make.  From rap concerts in the park to ukuleles in the apartment, we had some good times.

Elder Nelson Orton is such a fun guy.  I loved staying up late hearing about his stories (when I could stay up long enough...).  I have some of the funniest photos of him.  Teaching the homeless in downtown was always an adventure.  And it seemed like every single success we had was a time to celebrate.  He was so upbeat and excited for anything. He is so much like Caleb.

Elder John Cong Nguyen is a rockstar.  At least to me.  He is a missionary who is so open and ready to share his heart.  He is amazing at the guitar and I saw him use his talent to share the gospel.  And he connected so readily to everyone.  Oh yeah, and I loved hearing him sing.  Great voice.

Elder Pateriso Zepty!  Isn't he great?  I think so.  He is from the Kingdom of Marshall Isles.  He is so generous.  I never saw him not share something.  And he was so willing to work.  He barely spoke English but he never stopped trying.  He pushed himself harder than most missionaries I ever saw.

Elder Timothy Baumer and I wrestled.  As small as that might seem, it meant a lot.  We trusted each other.  He had individuality.  Boy could he ride a bike fast.  That was the only time I had trouble keeping up with someone on a bike.  Which was humbling and satisfying.  Crashing into him was a good day.  Not because I tore my pants or messed up our bikes a fair bit but because he didn't get angry.  I was almost angry at myself, but he just helped me get up and out of the road and then we took an inventory and kept going.  That takes a lot.

Elder Wyatt Jacobsen helped me to see how far I had come as a missionary (because he constantly built me up) and how far I still had to go (because he really complimented my weaknesses).  I was too comfortable in a lot of ways but he had a vision and desire.  I was more than welcome to join it, but only if I could keep up.  I couldn't have asked for more at the time.  He reminds me of Josh.

Elder Erik Brimhall.  The end of my mission was so grand because of this man.  Trips down to Stockton for medical tests.  The Crocker Art Museum.  Scaring him in the church.  Listening to the ukulele.  Working our tails off.  Sister B.  And never stopping work for fun or fun for work.  We just made sure we were doing both all the time.  I really never felt like more of a leader or more comfortable as a missionary.  He is a lot like Eric.  Endless energy and a real trooper.

These guys really did change my life.  I won't say I had the best mission but I humbly say my companions were hand-picked to help me.  I hope I returned the favor from time to time.

The Twelve Friends of Christmas Eight

This one kinda came as a surprise to me.  Amanda Garcia really has been a gem in my life.  We met in judo club a few years back.  She was so spry and fiery.  I was impressed by her writing and ability to express herself.  And, of course, sparring/wrestling with her was an experience both intimate and sensual.  We had fun.  I always remember us first holding hands while reading Les Mis together.  Good nights.

Amanda always impressed me with how she worked with people.  Though tiny, she wields a huge personality.  It connects people.  It gives energy and drive to others.  So once she gets them moving with her attitude she also can direct them with herideas and words.  She is very good at that.   But she has a good nature about it.  She isn't demanding or controlling, she just genuinely has great ideas and wants others to enjoy them as well.

I don't think we broke up on the best of terms.  I wasn't the best to her.  And her parents didn't like me, for fairly good reasons I think.  And I was leaving.  But when I got home we started talking again.  And a lot came up.  And a lot came out.  I found that Amanda is still a dear, kind, and trustworthy friend.  She is so accepting.  She is willing to wait and watch and think before acting.  So she can help a lot more.  I'm impressed with her loyalty and love.  Her openness is something I'd love tofind.  And her joy is really unmatched.  I think she's great.  Thank you Amanda, you really are a gift.